What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is when people pretend everything is okay, even when it’s not. It’s like always being told to “stay positive” when you’re feeling sad, angry, or scared. That might sound nice, but it can actually make things worse for your mental health.
In psychology, emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are normal. Everyone feels bad sometimes. But toxic positivity says you should only show happy emotions. That’s not healthy or fair. Real mental health professionals say it’s okay to feel all your feelings.
Why Feelings Matter
Our mind is like a garden. All kinds of emotions grow there — joy, grief, shame, guilt, and more. If we only water the “happy” emotions and ignore the others, our emotional garden can become unhealthy. Compassion, empathy, and real conversation help us take care of our emotional garden.
When we push away tough feelings like frustration or embarrassment, we might start to feel alone. That can lead to bigger problems like anxiety, addiction, or even substance abuse.
What Toxic Positivity Looks Like
Toxic positivity can happen in many ways. Here are some examples:
Saying “Just be grateful” when someone talks about a painful breakup
Telling a friend, “It could be worse” after they lose a loved one
Posting only “good vibes” on social media, even during hard times
Calling someone “negative” just because they’re being honest
These messages can feel like gaslighting — they make people question their own feelings. They also take away the chance for real coping and healing.
Real Emotions Are Healthy
According to clinical psychology, emotions are not “good” or “bad.” They are just signals. Sadness may tell us we need comfort. Anger might show that something is unfair. Fear can protect us from danger. Ignoring these feelings doesn’t make them go away — it just hides the problem.
Even in positive psychology, where the goal is more happiness and hope, experts say we need balance. Too much forced optimism can lead to denial, which can increase stress and cause emotional toxicity.
The Role of Culture and Language
In some places like the United States, there’s a strong message to “stay strong” and “smile through it.” This idea is often seen in advertising, leadership, and even in parenting. Kids learn early to hide their true emotions.
Words matter too. The language we use — like “Don’t cry” or “Be brave” — can make others feel ashamed of their feelings. This hurts our ability to build psychological safety and a caring community.
Toxic Positivity During the Pandemic
During the pandemic, many people struggled with loneliness, fear, and even panic. But online and in everyday life, people still said things like “At least you’re alive!” or “Think happy thoughts!” That kind of toxic positivity ignored real pain.
The truth is, people needed a safe space to talk. They needed therapy, not a mantra or a meme. Mental health is serious. You can’t “positive” your way out of depression, bipolar disorder, or deep grief.
How to Spot Toxic Positivity
Here’s how to tell if something might be toxic positivity:
It shuts down honest conversation
It makes you feel guilt or shame for your emotions
It pushes pessimism and negativity bias away without listening
It tells you to “look on the bright side” instead of offering support
It ignores real problems like addiction, ADHD, or anxiety
What To Do Instead
1. Validate Feelings
Say things like, “That sounds hard” or “I hear you.” This shows empathy and compassion.
2. Offer Support
You don’t have to “fix” someone. Just being there helps. A hug, a kind word, or attention shows you care.
3. Use Healthy Coping Tools
Try yoga, breathing, or journaling. These can help with mood and stress without ignoring pain.
4. Learn Emotional Intelligence
Understanding your own and others’ emotions helps with behavior and relationship management. It’s a life skill.
5. See a Mental Health Professional
A psychologist, psychiatrist, or LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) can help you explore emotions in a safe and smart way.
Real Optimism vs. Toxic Positivity
Optimism isn’t bad. Real optimism includes hope and resilience — but it doesn’t ignore the truth. Real optimism says, “This is hard, but I’ll try my best.” It’s honest and strong.
Toxic positivity says, “Everything is fine,” even when it’s not. It can stop people from asking for help, which increases risk and leads to poor health.
What Research Says
Studies in clinical psychology and positive psychology show that naming your emotions helps your brain process them. This is called affect labeling. When people say “I feel sad,” their brain calms down.
Researchers also say ignoring emotions increases distress, hurts confidence, and makes it harder to cope with change. That’s why emotions matter — for kids, teens, adults, and even leaders in policy or change management.
In Schools and Families
Teaching kids about emotions helps stop toxic positivity before it starts. Parents and teachers can talk about all feelings — not just the “happy” ones.
Books, podcasts, and newsletters from experts in psychology and emotional intelligence can also help. Look for trusted sources with real information and experience.
The Cost of Toxic Positivity
If we ignore emotions too long, we may feel:
Alone in our pain
Tired of pretending
Afraid to speak up
Full of hidden anger or shame
Distant from friends and community
This is why we need to change the mindset. Instead of fake positivity, we need real connection.
Make Room for All Feelings
Let’s make space for:
Grief after a breakup
Fear in hard times
Guilt after a mistake
Frustration during failure
Sadness when things don’t work out
And let’s support each other through it. With care. With kindness. With truth.
FAQs About Toxic Positivity
1. What is toxic positivity in simple words?
Toxic positivity is when people only want to hear “good vibes” and ignore or reject real emotions like sadness or fear.
2. Why is toxic positivity harmful?
It makes people hide real feelings, which can hurt their mental health and stop them from getting help or support.
3. How is optimism different from toxic positivity?
Optimism accepts reality but chooses hope. Toxic positivity ignores reality and forces fake happiness.
4. What should I say instead of “stay positive”?
Try “I’m here for you,” “That sounds hard,” or “It’s okay to feel sad.” These show empathy and support.
5. Can therapy help with toxic positivity?
Yes! A mental health professional like a psychologist, LMFT, or psychiatrist can help you explore your emotions in a safe and helpful way.
Visit SAMHSA or contact us today for more information.
